THE HOLOGRAM

By: Jeff Behnke



(*Enjoy this exploration of immaterialistic intuition. )

I am a logically and emotionally neutral human being. If you were to talk to me, you would notice that it is hard to distinguish a charge one way or another. It doesn’t seem as if I am negative at all, but it doesn’t seem as if I’m all that positive, either. If I see a group of people being positive or negative, I have no desire to join them. I am not a killjoy, but I sure am not on anyone’s invite list as being the life of a party. I would much rather sit behind a window, observing a party rather than being in the midst of it. I have spent my entire life diving into the depths of humanity wondering why this is, and most often come up empty. By reading newspapers, going to church on Sunday, listening to people tell tales of their misery and success, I get the impression I have misunderstood some fundamental element of what it means to be human. I get the impression that I should have a charge, that this is the purpose of life—to enjoy and feel, or to hate and calculate. But so far, my hands and heart have turned up empty.

Consider, for instance, the moment when I was held up at gunpoint. I felt the metal barrel against the back of my head which felt quite similar to a prodding finger, and I heard a woman telling me to empty my pockets. Instead of voiding my bowels or something similar, I thought to myself, “It’s probably not a good idea that there is a gun pointing at the back of my head, and I don’t want to injure her because she’s a woman.” So I reached up and grabbed the barrel, pointing it away from me. When I realized what I had done, I briefly considered what the reaction would be . I could have quite easily grabbed the gun out of the woman’s hands and shot her with however many bullets were inside of the chamber, but instead, I just let go of it, allowing her to return it to the way in which it was pointing. It was a disconnected action, as if I wasn’t truly there, as if I were nothing more than a witness as opposed to an active participant. I, strangely, was neutral...

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